


Fathers and Sons

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Children, F/M, Family, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-07-11
Updated: 2007-07-11
Packaged: 2019-05-15 18:54:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14796084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: CJ and Paul interact with their sons and with Alicia's father





	Fathers and Sons

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

  
Author's notes:

CJ/Danny, other characters, alternative universe, fantasy (or is it?)

  


Rating Teen-I guess

  


Spoilers through end of series; also contains spoilers for "Holding Hands on the Way Down"

  


Not mine, never were, never will be, but they consume my soul

  


Feedback and criticism always welcomed

* * *

11:15 PM, April 11, 2014; Seattle, WA

CJ finished the last of her coffee and looked up to see her stepson returning to the table. As always, she was struck by Derrick’s strong resemblance to his father at that age, and her heart remembered the many times she watched Paul approach her.

It had been a very enjoyable “between” day. Last night, Dartmouth scored a last minute goal to beat Michigan 3-2; tomorrow night, they would face a tired North Dakota, who needed two overtimes to defeat a pesky Colorado team in the second game of the day – go Big Green!

Derrick had had classes this morning and had to work this afternoon. She, Paul, and the children spent the morning doing some light sightseeing on their own and then spent the afternoon with Paul’s teammates and their families on a chartered trip around Puget Sound, including stops on some of the islands. Now the kids were (hopefully) sound asleep in their room at the Embassy Suites with the sitter and she, Paul, Derrick, and his friend (“She’s just a friend”) Gillian were finishing a very pleasant extended dinner at a waterfront restaurant.

The conversation had been easy and flowing. They had only been interrupted once by fellow diners who recognized CJ from the White House, the Nobel, or both, and were seeking an autograph, and once by a former congressman from those days. In both cases, the interruptions were minimal and pleasant, and included both sympathy for the loss of Danny and best wishes for her new life and new (albeit old) love.

Derrick sat down easily and glanced at his watch. “Sorry I took so long. Listen, Gillian and I both had long days, with Torts at 8:00 this morning, and she has an early assignment at the firm where she’s clerking, so if you don’t mind, we should call it a night.”

“Of course.” Paul Reeves smiled at his son and his son’s companion. “Now, if I can just find our waiter.” He reached into his inside breast pocket for his wallet.

“Your money and your plastic aren’t any good here, Dad, I’ve got it.”

For half a second, Paul was taken aback. He was the father, the head of the household. Paying for meals was **his** responsibility. His son needed his money for books and expenses. He needed to spend his time studying, not working extra hours to pay for meals in expensive restaurants like this one.

“Nonsense. I’ll get it.”

Derrick stared directly at his father. “I’ve already paid the bill, Dad,” he said quietly.

CJ put a hand on her husband’s thigh and squeezed. “Your father and I thank you, Derrick.”

Then, very softly to her husband while glancing toward Gillian, “Let it go.”

Paul understood her message. Don’t embarrass your son; don’t make a scene in front of his young woman friend. “Thank you, son.”

However, as the two men were assisting their ladies with their wraps and helping them to their feet, Paul told Derrick in a low undertone, “We’ll discuss this later.”

Derrick drove his father and stepmother to the Embassy Suites, where he picked up the baby-sitter and took her home. He dropped Gillian at her apartment and then returned to his own apartment. He would be cooking brunch for his family the next morning and wanted to get up early enough to make sure everything was just right.

Meanwhile, Paul was venting to CJ as they were sipping Bailey’s in the front room of the suite. “He doesn’t have that kind of money to throw around!”

“Apparently, he thinks he does. Remember when your folks came out to visit? How much you planned and budgeted in order to take the four of us to Chez Panisse? And how you fought with your father about the bill? Can’t you see Derrick in your shoes?”

“You’re right.” He kissed her forehead, remembering how he and his father had fought over the check in the dining room. His mother finally convinced his father to let Paul cover the tab. Maybe that was why Derrick apparently arranged to pay the bill as part of his trip to the men’s room.

“I guess I still think of him as a boy, CJ. I should have accepted his gesture with thanks.” But Paul also remembered that several days after his parents returned to New York, he had found three fifty dollar bills in his sock drawer. Derrick was making them brunch tomorrow before a trip to the zoo, followed by dinner with his old teammates and the hockey championship game. Tomorrow morning, he should be able to sneak into his son’s room and slip the money into his dresser.

She turned her back to him and he undid her zipper. He also unhooked her bra, slipped the dress and undergarment from her arms and began to caress her. He kissed her neck as his right hand slipped below her pantyhose.

She brought her head back against his shoulder. “Ooh!”

“Sweetheart?” He stopped his hand movements.

“I guess I’m a bit tender.” Her left hand came up over his, where it rested against her right breast.

“Sweetheart, maybe you should see someone, have it checked out.” He knew that she hadn’t had any more lumps in her breasts since the ones that were found in 2009, but he was still apprehensive. Once bitten, twice shy, as they say.

“I’ll try to pay attention. If it doesn’t go away, or if it comes back.” She turned to face him. “How about seducing me?” she whispered into his ear.

His response was to kiss her deeply, draw the both of them to their feet, pick her up, and carry her to the bed. “Shall I take the kids into the other room?”

She moved her head from side to side. “I’ll try to be quieter tonight.” Last night, he needed to clamp his hand over her mouth when she climaxed. Even with that action, Paddy had whimpered and stirred, but, praise the Lord, hadn’t awakened.

“When we get home Monday night, I going to make you shout,” he smiled as he pressed his mouth to her breast, reached for the juncture of her thighs, and proceeded to make her swallow the feelings he raised in her.

Later, they lay in each other’s arms, talking in whispers.

“Gillian seems like a very nice girl.” He played with her hair.

“She is, but - ”

“But what?” he interrupted her, looking into her eyes.

“Derrick may consider her to be only a friend, but she definitely sees him as more than that,” she answered. “She’s being very laid back and cool about it, but she has that ‘get him to the altar’ look about her. There’s nothing wrong with that, and she obviously has good taste, but if Derrick doesn’t feel that way about her and doesn’t realize that her view of the relationship is more serious than his view, it could cause problems. Especially if the relationship gets to a point where he thinks it’s ‘friends with benefits’ and she thinks it’s a serious love affair. I just need to figure out how to tell him.”

“ _Thank you, girlfriend, I saw it as soon as you did.” Alicia sat down on a cloud bank._

“You’re turning into a first-class mother,” Paul kissed her and moved off the bed.

“ _I told her she’d get good at new things.” Danny handed Alicia the two frozen margaritas he was holding and sat down beside her. Then he took one of the drinks and set the plate of nachos between them. It was almost time for the boys’ soccer game to start. Pistol grabbed one of the nachos and plopped down beside Danny._

“Where are you going?” CJ asked. “I was hoping for more.”

“I’m just picking up this clothing and getting something for us to put on after, in case Paddy wakes up before we do.”

As he walked back to the bed with her sleep shirt and his pajama bottoms, she could see in the moonlight that he was ready to fulfill her hopes.

He slipped into bed and pulled her with him as he turned to his back.

“Ride me, sweetheart.”

Saturday April 12, 2014

Derrick’s apartment was small but modernized. He had set up a card table in the living area but was serving the brunch (blueberry muffins, sausage links, cheese and mushroom quiche) buffet-style on the counter that also served as the normal eating area for the apartment.

“Several of us are planning to rent an older house next year,” he told them. “For one thing, I miss having people around. Last year, living in grad student housing was too much like the dorms, way too noisy, but this isn’t any fun. There will be four of us so it should be a happy medium. And I definitely don’t like having the bathroom inside the bedroom,” he added as Paul came back from his restroom trip. “How about some more coffee? Paddy, you okay in there, buddy?”

The child was watching Saturday morning television in the bedroom. They had propped up Caitlin between pillows on the bed. “Muffin and juice, please.”

“In a minute. So this afternoon we do the zoo and then early dinner with everyone else before the game?” Derrick asked. “By the way, it’s a different sitter for tonight. Her name is Kayla.”

“I really appreciate your arranging all this,” CJ reached over and kissed her stepson. “It’s made the trip so much more enjoyable. I remember the first time we traveled with Paddy, I was so nervous about leaving him. Now, I’m an old hand at leaving them with strangers.”

“I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers,” Derrick did his best/worst Blanche DuBois imitation while his father groaned and threw his napkin at his son.

“No, Caitlin, it’s not nice to snoop! Oops!” The sound of a crash came from the next room, followed by crying.

CJ, Paul, and Derrick rushed into the bedroom to find Caitlin sitting on her fanny with the upended drawer of the nightstand on the floor in front of her. CJ picked up the crying child and took her to the bathroom to check for cuts while Derrick picked up the drawer and returned it to its slot.

“Let me help you,” Paddy told his brother, picking up the spilled contents. “Derrick, I know my letters! What’s T-R-O-J-?”

“It’s somebody who lived in a place called Troy,” Paul quickly interjected. “You wanted a muffin. Why don’t you go finish the last one?” He pushed the younger boy toward the main living area while the older one blushed and picked up the rest of the items from the floor.

“Sorry about that, Dad.”

“It was completely unforeseen. I just hope he doesn’t want any more of an explanation. I’m not sure I could handle it with a pre-schooler.”

Later that day

CJ stretched out on the bed, then realized she was alone.

The afternoon at the zoo had been very nice and they had come back to rest a bit before the evening’s activities.

As she walked into the bathroom, she could hear the low murmur of voices coming from the front room. Apparently, Paul had awoken and was talking with Derrick. Without meaning to, she picked up a few words. “Not really.” “Actually, only her since Thanksgiving.” “You do realize that nothing is 100 percent safe, son.” “Of course I don’t mind, Dad. I’ll probably still want your advice when I’m your age.”

She smiled, and then became a bit wistful as she returned to the bed. She could easily imagine Danny having such a conversation with an older Paddy and she was sorry that her son would not know and appreciate his father the way Derrick did his. Danny would have been such a good father. Of course, Paul would be as close with Paddy as he was with Derrick, she thought as she dozed off again.

“ _I’m kind of sad about that myself,” Danny remarked to Jem and Hugh. “I’ve got the twins, but apparently, they will be eleven for eternity.”_

“ _Be grateful for what you do have. You’ve got a good man taking care of your wife, that’s a blessing,” Jem looked at Hugh, “and your children. And you **have** children.”_

_Danny could hear the sadness in Jem’s voice and felt a little guilty – that thing about crying about no shoes and meeting someone with no feet and all. “You’re right. Hey, let’s go over to Proxima Centauri; I’m sure we could get a tee time right away.”_

CJ woke to the tickle of her husband’s beard and mustache as he kissed her.

“Derrick’s gone to pick up the babysitter.”

She stretched and returned the kiss. “Did you get any sleep?”

“No, Derrick and I had a really good talk. He wanted me to know that he wasn’t just sleeping around, as he put it. Then we got into many things. He told me that he envied me my innocence, would you believe?”

“Innocence? Did he think that we were saints?” she laughed.

“He meant the lack of concern about AIDS and other STDs. When you think about it, we were probably the last generation that used condoms only for birth control. STDs didn’t happen to ‘nice’ people like us, and once we knew that we were going to be together, moving from them to contraceptives was a given.

“One thing I did clear up with him, for some reason, he thought we were all wild and indiscriminate. I don’t know if I ever told you, sweetheart, but there were only five girls before you, and only one between you and Alicia.”

“You told me about the ones at Dartmouth, but just one, in almost three years?”

“It took me over a year to get over you, CJ.”

She reached up, stroked his face and wondered briefly, what if? Then she started giggling.

“CJ?”

“I’m sorry, I just remembered the embarrassed look on his face when Caitlin spilled the drawer and Paddy started spelling the letters. And what if Paddy had asked again what it was for?”

“I would have told him I’d explain later, not mentioning that later meant about ten years.”

“Ten? Only ten?” CJ looked a bit upset.

“If we’re lucky, it won’t be seven or eight, sweetheart.” He kissed her once more. “Now let’s start getting ready; Derrick is going to bring pizza and junk food for Paddy and the sitter.”

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Derrick stood with CJ waiting for Paul to pull around to the front of the hotel. Paddy was skipping up and down the sidewalk, proudly wearing his bright green “NCAA 2014 Hockey Champions” Tee-shirt.

“ _If I squint, it says Notre Dame, not Dartmouth,” Danny said to Alicia._

_She laughed and socked his arm. “Paul couldn’t be happier if he had scored the winning goal himself.”_

“By the way, tell Dad he should have been more careful if he wanted to get away with this. He left the drawer partially open.” Derrick tried to hand CJ several folded pieces of currency.

“No way I’m getting involved,” she laughed as she backed away from his outstretched hand. “It was bad enough when I was twenty and it was him and your grandfather. Now, what you may or may not want to do with it when you next come down to see us - ”, she left the sentence hanging.

“Seriously, Derrick, I know you wanted us to be your guests, but he does want you to have the money. Maybe you can put it toward something useful for that house you’ll be renting next year.Then you can consider it a gift.”

“Okay, Mo- **ther** ,” he teased her. “And thanks for the advice about Gillian.”

Yesterday afternoon, she told him about her observations. “One thing a lot of guys don’t think about is how their lives can be affected by relationships. For one thing, if there’s a pregnancy, you have absolutely no say in the matter. The girl may choose to abort a baby that you would have wanted to raise or she may choose to give birth to a child that you would have to help support for the next twenty years. It’s her body and her choice, and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that, but your life and your emotions can be changed forever. A lot of guys don’t think about that until they are presented with a _fait accompli_. We just don’t want to see you hurt.”

“ _Amen, sister.” Alicia let out a sigh of relief._

Paul pulled up and the two men loaded the luggage and other gear while CJ strapped the children into their seats.

“Take care, buddy,” Derrick high-fived Paddy, then hugged his parents. “It was great having you guys here. Call me tonight from the motel and then when you get home tomorrow.”

Mid-May 2014, Kensington, CA

CJ woke to an empty bed.

She had some idea of where her husband was. She put on a robe and walked to the study door.

He was sitting with his back to her, looking toward the city. Did he want to be alone? She remembered the similar day in February; she had been grateful for the show of understanding, for the comfort.

She came up behind him. Alicia’s picture and the box with the negligee were in his lap, his hands resting on them.

CJ placed her arm across his breastbone, her hand on his left shoulder. She gently kissed the top of his head.

He reached for her hand and kissed her knuckles. Then he looked up at her. His eyes were bright with pain, but no tears.

“Can I get you anything, darling?”

“Maybe a cup of tea.” He tried to smile.

She kissed the spot between his eyebrows and went to make the beverage.

For the past five years, since he had returned from Southeast Asia, he had spent this day with his children. This year, however, the final exam gods were not on the side of the grieving minister and the twins. Both Deborah and Derrick had finals today; Deborah also had one yesterday and Derrick would have one tomorrow. Paul would be alone in his grief.

Not quite alone. She would give her husband the same support, the same comfort, and the same space he had given her three months ago. Both of them were secure enough in their love for each other, and their knowledge of each other’s love, that grief for a first spouse was no threat to their marriage. If anything, it would bind them closer together.

She was glad that she had arranged with Amy and Will Marshall to have Paddy spend the previous night and most of today with Billy. She knew that Paul would want to appear as “normal” as possible for Paddy if he were there. If Paddy wanted to play catch, or go to the park, Paul would try to accommodate the boy.

She brought him the tea and asked if he wanted company or if he wanted to be by himself.

“Sit with me?”

After a while, he began to talk, to share things. And it didn’t hurt to hear them, even when he talked about private, intimate things.

“When I saw her with a wet cloth, easing off the band-aid, millimeter by millimeter, I knew that in that one respect, it would be different with her than with you. But the look on her face that first time, CJ, it was the same look you had, and I was so glad to be able to put that look on both your faces.”

After a while, he dozed off, his head against her breast.

She was feeling queasy and was looking for some crackers when Paddy came home. She had had the same thing three or four times in the past two weeks, plus she was more tired and listless than usual. Maybe she was catching something.

In any event, she couldn’t stop Paddy from running into the study.

“Papa!”

“Papa? Papa, why are you sad?”

Paul explained to the child that he was sad because he missed Deborah and Derrick’s mother very much today, the same way his Mama missed his Daddy back in February.

“But Aunt Alicia’s in heaven with Daddy. He’ll take care of her.”

“I’m sure he will.” Paul hugged the little boy.

Paddy looked down at the picture. “She’s so pretty. She looks like Deborah.” He touched the negligee. "And this smells nice."

Paul was taken back to the day the twins were born and lost control. He began to sob uncontrollably.

“I’m sorry, Papa. I’m sorry you’re sad.” He put his arms around the man.

Paul caught his breath and wiped his eyes. “Thank you. You know, I felt bad because Derrick and Deborah couldn’t be here with me, but I have you, and your Mama and your sister, so I’m not alone.”

“Papa?”

“Yes, child?”

“Jeffrey says that boys who cry are sissies.”

Paul sighed. Several other parents also had issues with Jeffrey, the oldest boy in the pre-school. He tended to bully the younger children.

“Well, Jeffrey is just wrong. It’s a good thing to be brave and to not show your fear, but if something makes you sad, it’s okay for you to cry. Don’t let Jeffrey make you think that you are any less of a big boy just because you might cry sometimes. Real men care about their friends and family. Always remember that.”

“Yes, Papa. Is it okay if I just sit with you for a while?”

“I’d like that very much.”

CJ smiled through her own tears as she tiptoed away from the study door.

Mid-July 2014, Albion, CA

CJ finished the last of the dishes, softly humming to herself. She could hear the sound of axe hitting wood and looked out the kitchen window.

Paul was splitting the logs he had sawed yesterday. He had removed his shirt in the heat and she could see the sweat glistening on his arms and his chest.

CJ sighed. Apparently, her second trimester hormones were kicking in and her libido was about to go into overdrive. Not that she minded (and Paul certainly didn’t), but in a few hours, Deborah, Derrick, and Alicia’s father would be arriving for a week. Playing host and hostess would definitely cut into their private time.

Pouring two glasses of lemonade, she carried them outside, along with the dishtowel, which she hung on the clothesline that ran from the kitchen door toward the woodshed.

“Thirsty?”

Paul turned around at the sound of her voice, set down the axe and smiled. He picked up his T-shirt and wiped the sweat from his face.

“Bless you.” He kissed her, took one of the glasses from her hand, and emptied it in one long gulp.

“Would you like mine?” she asked, laughing.

“No, thanks, sweetheart.” He set the glass on the stump he was using to hold the logs, stepped behind her, and wrapped his arms around her waist. Nuzzling into her neck with his lips, he caressed the slight, almost imperceptible bulge.

She leaned back into his strong body, reveling in the security of his embrace. It seemed that every time he had a chance to touch her stomach, to caress the child within her, he acted on it.

“It’s still almost unbelievable, you and me creating a baby together. I just hope everyone doesn’t think we’re crazy.”

“Would it matter if they did, Paul?” She turned around to face him, to look at his face.

“God, no!” He pulled her close. “CJ, as long as - ”

His phone rang. Derrick, Deborah, and Joe were in Garberville, about two hours away. Did they need anything?

“Paul,” CJ played with the hair on her husband’s chest, “Paddy will be with the Ambersons for another hour and I just put Caitlin down for a nap - ”

He turned her toward the house, and they started walking toward the door. “I’ll be showered in 5 minutes.”

“Don’t bother.”

“Sweetheart, I’m dirty and I smell - ”

“Like a man.” She pulled his head down and crushed his mouth onto hers.

Later that afternoon.

“They’re here! They’re here!”

Paddy tore out of the house and ran to the drive where Derrick had just stopped his car.

Paul, carrying Caitlin, and CJ followed.

Deborah was the first out of the car; she hugged her father and took Caitlin into her arms.

Derrick was being bombarded by Cyclone Paddy.

Paul opened the front passenger door and helped the white-haired man sitting there to his feet.

“Joe.” He enveloped the man in a bear hug. “Thank you for coming.”

Joe Dawson stepped back a half step and put his hands on each side of his son-in-law’s face. “It’s so good to see you smile like that again.” Then he turned to face CJ. “And this is the person who’s put that smile back in your life.” He held out both hands to the woman. “I’m Joe”. He pulled her in for a kiss. “I’m so glad to finally meet you. Derrick and Deborah have nothing but good things to say about you.”

The man might be over eighty, but you could tell that he had played football, had played it well.

“I’m Paddy. What do I call you?”

“Well, Derrick calls me Granddad. You could call me that, unless that would mix you up with your real grandfathers.”

“They’re both in heaven with Daddy. I have Grandpa Jed.” It took Joe half a second to realize that the child was referring to the former President. “Can you be Grandpa Joe?”

“I’d be honored, _nieto_.”

“That’s what Maggie’s _abuelo_ calls Mike and Steve! Are you like an _abuelo_?”

“Yes, I am. It means grandfather in Spanish. Teaching Spanish used to be my job.”

“Why don’t we all go to the deck?” Paul suggested.

Later that evening.

Joe sat back on the lounge on the deck and observed the family around him.

Last fall, when Paul had called him, had told him that he was remarrying, and asked for his blessing, Joe was overjoyed. If there was ever a man that was meant to be a husband and father, it was Paul Reeves. The only person who could possibly enjoy marriage in all its dimensions – physical, emotional, intellectual – more than Paul would be the woman married to Paul. How his Alicia had glowed when she first told Joe about the young man in his final year of divinity school, the one who told her that he wanted her body but that he would wait for their wedding night; and how she had glowed even more the first time he saw the young couple after their honeymoon. He had been concerned at first when Alicia said she wanted to drop out of Yale after her sophomore year to follow this man to West Virginia and wherever else God called him, but all the degrees in the world would not have given his little girl one-tenth the joy and satisfaction that this man had given her. Then when Alicia died, not two years after her mother, how he and Paul had sobbed in each other’s arms. Joe alone understood why Paul had to leave the twins with Alicia’s older sister and Joe had been afraid that Paul, like himself, would never find love again.

But here Paul was, with a beautiful, intelligent, and charming wife, a woman who had known presidents and potentates, who had revolutionized the manner in which rich men and women helped their fellow human beings, and with two young children who would be only the better for being raised to adulthood by Paul.

The sun was just setting and the night creatures were singing. Paul was passing out glasses of a heady amber liquid to him, to Deborah and Derrick.

The twins had both told him, in their own ways, that their father and their new stepmother were more like giddy teenagers than a middle-aged married couple. Both children were content with the situation; both of them told their grandfather that their father had explained why their mother was uncomfortable with open displays of marital affection.

“They can’t keep their eyes off each other and more often than not, their hands either,” was what Deborah said.

And as Joe watched the two of them, he could see what Deborah meant. He could see that Paul and his new wife were well suited in temperament, in affection, and, unless the sun rose in the west, in bed.

But he also saw something more. There was a special _je ne sais quoi_ , to borrow a phrase from his French-teaching _compadres_ , about the two of them, an electricity that passed between them as Paul took a glass of the whiskey for himself and handed her and the little boy glasses of ginger ale, as if they shared something so joyous that they were torn between keeping it to themselves and sharing it with the others. You would almost think they were - . Was it possible? From what he remembered of the Bartlet administration, she must be in her early 50’s. But then, that redheaded little beauty who had clung to Paul so adoringly was less than two years old.

“Excuse me.” Ever the preacher, Paul was able to get the attention of a group very easily. He sat on the armrest of CJ’s chair and put his free arm around her shoulders.

“Something has happened, something we didn’t expect, something that will change all of our lives. We’re not sure how it happened, but, God willing, come January, there will be another little girl in the family.”

Joe was the first one to reach Paul. Derrick observed the look that passed between the two men as his grandfather congratulated his father. Then it was his turn. As he hugged his father, he felt it, too. It was something primal, something that stretched back in their DNA to the earliest humans. It was pride, it was admiration, it was acknowledgement of maleness, acknowledgement of achievement. It said, “You have sired a child; you have done what a man does.” Derrick looked forward to that day, not soon but not that far in the future, when he would be the cause for such a feeling among men. He hoped this grandfather would still be alive to join in the celebration.

Deborah kept one arm around CJ as she turned to her father. “Daddy, if you aren’t sure how it happened, maybe we need to take you in for some memory tests. You might be getting Alzheimer’s.”

Silence. Then, one soft but deliberate word from Paul’s mouth. “Deborah.”

“CJ, I am so - ”.

“It’s okay.” CJ hugged her stepdaughter.

Deborah could feel her father’s piercing look through her back. She turned to face him. “Daddy, I - ”.

Just then, Derrick raised his glass. “To my number three sister!” Everyone joined in the toast.

“We’ll discuss it later,” Paul told his daughter quietly.

Paddy was the only one to overhear the words. When Papa looked at you like that and said that you would “discuss” it, it wasn’t a good thing. Did even big girls like Deborah get scoldings and time outs? Would she have to empty her piggybank or her wallet? He didn’t understand what Deborah said and why it was so bad. He would have to ask Derrick later.

Now Mama was calling him over to her. Did Paddy understand? Right after Christmas, he was going to have another little sister. Remember how before Caitlin was born, Mama’s tummy got real big because that’s where Caitlin was growing? Well, that was going to happen again.

He remembered. He remembered that when Mama’s tummy got big, Daddy found out he had to go to heaven and right after Caitlin came out, Daddy left them. He loved Papa and Deborah and Derrick but he also wished his Daddy were still here. He didn’t want Papa to have to go to heaven too.

“No! No more sisters! Take it out, take it out!” He ran off the deck and into the woods.

“Paddy!” CJ called and started after her son.

“Let me.” Derrick stopped her. Then he took off after the little boy.

Five minutes later, he returned, Paddy’s arms around his neck and Paddy’s legs around his waist.

“He thinks that because Danny died after Caitlin was born, it means that Dad - ,” he left the sentence unfinished.

Paul took Paddy from Derrick and explained that because his father died after Caitlin was born did not mean that Caitlin’s birth caused his father’s death. “If you fall down after eating a candy bar, did the candy bar make you fall down?”

CJ sat down beside her husband and hugged Paddy. “If Grandpa Jed were here, he would tell you about some fancy words in Latin called _‘post hoc ergo propter hoc’_ and how it’s wrong to think that one thing caused another just because the one thing happened first.”

Paddy looked up at his parents. “So Papa’s not going to have to go to heaven after Christmas? Promise?”

Paul pulled the little boy between his legs and put his hands on Paddy’s shoulders. “Paddy, I’m not going to lie to you, because in this family we don’t tell lies. I can’t promise that because I don’t know when Jesus will want me to go to heaven. But I can promise you that the baby in Mama’s tummy won’t make me go to heaven. Do you believe me?”

“Yes, Papa.” The boy yawned.

“Paddy, it’s way past your bedtime. It’s after ten o’clock. Tell everyone good night.”

Paddy started to protest.

“I’m sleepy, too,” Derrick said. It had been a long day. They had left Seattle at five that morning and he had done most of the driving. “Why don’t I go up with you?”

“’Kay.”

Paddy was happy. He and Derrick were going to sleep in the loft over the living room because Grandpa Joe would be sleeping in the room next to Mama and Papa, and Caitlin and Deborah were in the upstairs bedroom with the bathroom and the door because they were girls and because Caitlin was still a baby. Earlier, Derrick had joked that when they had to go the bathroom, they could just pee outside the window. Mama said they better not if they knew what was good for them and gave them a bucket in case they couldn’t make it downstairs in time. Paddy was excited. He wanted to pee in the bucket.

Caitlin began to cry over the baby monitor and CJ started inside to tend to her toddler. Joe said he would turn in also and followed CJ.

“I might as well join the exodus,” Deborah added.

“Not just yet. We have unfinished business.” Paul pointed toward the table at the far end of the deck and waited for his daughter to start the walk in that direction.

Early afternoon, two days later.

“She was terrified.” CJ took one of the sandwiches from the plate Paul set on the table.

“Some children are more afraid of animals than others.” Joe helped himself to a sandwich and took a drink from his beer. “Alicia was fearless, but her sister wouldn’t go near anything bigger than a goldfish until she was seven.”

“But this was different.”

CJ was talking about the events of the morning.

Paul and Joe had gone up to Mendocino to the farmer’s market for some fresh corn, tomatoes and other things. Derrick and Deborah had arranged to rent some horses and were planning to explore the back woods trails. Paddy wanted to go with them. CJ didn’t want Paddy on a horse by himself but agreed to let him ride in front of Derrick, so the twins had gone to pick up the horses and had ridden back to get Paddy and the food packs.

“She toddled outside after Paddy, but when she saw the horses, she started screaming. It was the way she was right before Thanksgiving. When I lifted her, she clung so tightly to my neck, I thought I would pass out. Derrick tried to tell her it was all right. Deborah told her they weren’t hippopotamuses, they were only horsies, but she didn’t stop it until long after the three of them left.”

“Hippopotamuses?” Joe asked.

“That’s what it sounded like she was saying. ‘Eee-poze’. Over and over again. ‘Eee-poze’. It was so frightening.”

Paul felt a shiver. “No, that wasn’t what she was saying.”

It was not something CJ would know. A man of Joe’s age who had been through an elite prep school might, but Joe was the product of a still-segregated southern public school system and although he had excelled at Penn State and then earned his Vanderbilt Ph.D. with distinction, he would not have been exposed to that course. The only reason Paul knew what Caitlin was saying was due to the requirements of a divinity doctorate. But how in the world did this not yet two-year old child know the ancient Greek word for “horse”?

“Anyway, she’s sleeping now, holding onto that caveman doll as tightly as she held onto me.” CJ glanced over at the playpen sitting by the fireplace and stifled a yawn.

“And you’re the one who’s exhausted. Listen, Paul and I have dinner under control for tonight.” The chicken in the refrigerator was already marinating in Joe’s mother’s special barbeque sauce. “Take a nap. We’ll look after the little one. Expectant mothers need their rest.”

“I was thinking about making up a pan of lasagna for tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow we’ll be cooking the fish that we men will have caught.” Yesterday, they got fishing licenses for Paul, Joe, Derrick, and Paddy. “The men” were planning to make a day of it while CJ, Deborah, and Caitlin did a “tea lunch” (“My treat”, Deborah said yesterday, with a glance at her father) in Fort Bragg and lounged on the deck.

“I assume you are going to clean them as well. Yes, my father taught me how, but I’m not sure my stomach could handle it right now.

“Anyway, maybe I should mix up a cake for later?”

“CJ. Bed. Now.” Paul’s smile and kiss softened the order.

“Yes, master.”

“I can only dream.”

She woke up an hour later and walked into the main room. Caitlin was no longer in the playpen. She heard voices on the deck and looked out the doors to see Paul and Joe sitting in the hot tub. Caitlin was in a kiddie pool beside them. She was about to walk out to join them when she overheard Paul speaking earnestly to his father-in-law.

“They offered me the chairman slot when they offered me the position last year. I turned it down because it would mean spending much more time on campus on bureaucratic nonsense. But it would mean ten thousand more after taxes. If it opens up again, I’ll probably take it.”

Why did Paul think they would need the extra money? Why that much more?

At that moment, she heard the sound of a car turning into the gravel driveway. Paddy and the twins were back from their ride.

“It was so much fun, Mama! I can’t wait till I’m big enough to ride my own horse. Can I have a horse?” Paddy threw his arms around his mother’s hips.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it. Why don’t we start with something smaller, like a gerbil? And you stink! All three of you do! Showers, or the swimming pool for all of you!”

Yesterday, Paul, Derrick, and Joe also set up the ten-foot diameter, three-foot deep “family fun pool” on one corner of the deck. “ **After** you change into a suit, Paddy! Or, at least, strip down to your underpants!”

Deborah opted for the shower while the “brothers” chose the pool. CJ changed into a suit and joined them. She grabbed the baby float ring and, placing Caitlin inside it, slipped a float tube around herself and pulled the toddler around the pool with her.

About 10:00 PM that evening.

Everyone was pleasantly full from grilled chicken, corn, tomatoes, and slices of honeydew. Derrick had built a fire in the pit just off the deck and he, his grandfather, Deborah, and Paddy were making s’mores. Caitlin was conked out in the playpen, a light blanket over her little body.

Paul and CJ were sitting in the shadows, out of earshot of the others.

“Honey?” CJ looked up from her head’s berth under his left arm.

He turned his face down and to the left, his right index finger tracing the line of her jaw. “Sweetheart?”

She told him of the conversation snippet she had overheard earlier today. “I thought we both wanted to keep our schedules less than full time, for the children as well as for ourselves.

“I know.” He kissed her nose. “But **she** ,” he rested his hand on her stomach, on the new life he had created within her, “changes everything. We’ll be raising her with Paddy and Caitlin. I don’t want her to feel different, be different. I want her in the same schools, to have the same options - ”

“Well, of **course,** she will!” CJ exclaimed. “Why wouldn’t she?”

“Montessori school tuition, then private high school, it will all add up. I’ll need the extra money for all that.” They had agreed that with all the experiments and bureaucracy, they were afraid of what was happening with the public schools. (“Josh and Sam will think I’ve gone off my rocker, that I've betrayed the party, but my kids are too important to be some ivory tower professor’s guinea pig.”) The waiting list at CJ’s parish school was three years’ long, so they decided on the Montessori option. Now, with the baby, it seemed like the best thing to him. He had no problem raising Danny’s kids in Danny’s religion, but when it came to his own daughter, he wanted her to be exposed to both options.

“Paul, I have well over four hundred thousand, just sitting there and earning interest. There’s more than enough for her.”

“That’s yours, from Danny. It’s for you in case something happens, and then it belongs to your children.”

“You know how meticulous he was about everything at the end. He set up the trusts for the kids with very specific guidelines. If he had wanted what he left me to be for them, he would have said so in his will. But he left it to me, for my use. Now you and I compromised that we would use it for extraordinary circumstances, not just to make our lives easier. As far as I am concerned, having a baby at our ages is extraordinary.”

“But **I’m** her father, not Danny.”

“And **I’m** her mother. And don’t you think that if somehow the situation were reversed, if you had left me a widow with two small children and I married Danny and his royalties and prizes, he would have gladly spent his money on your children?”

“I’m not sure,” Paul began.

“ _Well, I am.”_

It was as if CJ was in suspended animation. Paul heard Danny’s voice as clearly as if the man were actually there with them. (And who is to say he wasn’t?)

“ _This little girl is an extraordinary gift from God for all of us. There are things about her, well, let’s just say she has such potential. She’s going to be Alicia’s and my namesake; in a sense, she is our child as well. Not her and me together, more like godparents, I guess. Don’t chain yourself to the job for forty or more hours a week. Enjoy each other, enjoy the children, all five of them.”_

Then the moment passed.

“Paul, what did you say?”

He told a “little white lie”. I said, “Well, if you’re sure, okay.” He kissed her mouth.

She reached up and put her left hand in his hair. “As long as I’m on a roll,” she began.

“Ye-es?”

“You know how we agreed that I should take off the entire spring semester? Well, I’ve been thinking about a bunch of things. One, I had to stop nursing Paddy after four months because of the cysts, and then, with Danny leaving me, I hardly nursed Caitlin at all. I was thinking about nursing this one until she really starts teething or until the end of August and going back to work, whichever comes first.”

“Sweetheart, whatever you want, you know that.”

“Hear me out. I’m going to need a lot of help, especially at first. Would you think about being that help, or most of it? About you and me doing this together?”

“You mean, for me to take off the semester also? Stay home with you?”

“Does it sound so terrible? We’d had to have some other help, maybe get Marta two times a week, get some high school kids for a few hours a day to help with Paddy and Caitlin as well as the baby. I’m sure that Gina would come for a while right at first, when I’ll be doing nothing but sleeping and feeding every other hour.”

“The money - ”.

“Between living expenses and having to pay for the payroll deductions, I figure we’d need about $55,000 for the eight months. I think it can be justified as an extraordinary expense because this baby is an extraordinary event. Just think about it?”

She looked so earnest, he couldn’t say no right away. “Okay, I’ll think about it.”

“ _And then you’re going to say ‘Yes’, Paul,” Alicia whispered in her husband’s ear._

“Here, Mama, Papa, have a s’more!” Paddy handed two of the gooey treats to his parents.

6:30 AM the next day

Joe could smell the fresh coffee as he left the bathroom. Following the scent, he saw Derrick pouring two mugs from the pot.

“Hey, Granddad. Dad’s outside.” Joe could see Paul staring off into the woods, his open Bible in his hands. “I thought I’d take him a cup. Come with me.” He pulled down another mug and filled it.

Paul looked up as the other men approached him, smiled, and closed the scriptures. For a few minutes, the three of them enjoyed their coffee in companionable silence.

“Derrick, you’re up early.”

“Couldn’t sleep.” He turned to face the other men.

“Gillian called last night. We had a long, painful conversation and have decided that our needs and expectations are too different. So-o-o, I guess I won’t be needing any more of those little packets that Caitlin spilled, at least not for a while. At least she’s not pregnant.”

The other men looked sharply at him.

“She was a few days late when we left Seattle. That’s why she called, to let me know that everything was okay. The other stuff just came out in the conversation. So, no seven-month ‘preemie’ grandchild or great-grandchild for you gentlemen.”

“If you loved each other, were ready for marriage, it wouldn’t have been the worst thing in the world,” Joe told his grandson. He took a deep breath. “You almost had a ‘preemie’ uncle.”

He told them how, his junior year, Bernice had come to him, afraid and scared, and told him she was pregnant. Many guys would have said it wasn’t theirs, that there were others. And at that time, girls like Bernice didn’t raise babies by themselves. They went “to visit an aunt” for a few months and the baby was put up for adoption.

But he wanted to do the honorable thing. Plus, he loved Bernice, had already planned to ask her to marry him when he got his degree from Penn State. Then **he** was afraid and scared when he went to tell Coach; if he lost his scholarship, he didn’t know what he would do. He loved his father and respected him, but Joe wanted to be more than a sharecropper. The beauty of the Spanish language, the literature and the history of the country, ensorcelled him. He wanted to learn all there was to know about it and then to share that knowledge with others. His linebacker skills and his high school grades had given him that chance. Now, he feared he would lose it all because of his di-.

However, Coach just asked him if marriage to Bernice was really, truly what he wanted. If he was truly in love with her, there would be help with a quick marriage and a place to live. Coach would go with him to tell his mother (the one person he feared almost as much as God), to tell Bernice’s parents. But a marriage based only on an unforeseen pregnancy was not a good thing. If they weren’t in love, weren’t ready, there would be help for Bernice while she waited for and had the baby, help to make sure she also finished college. There was nothing illegal and no money changed hands, but there were a few phone calls, some expediting. Luckily, back in the 1960’s, NCAA rules were nowhere near what they were today.

And so they married quickly and settled into a small apartment. Two months later, with horrible wracking pains, Bernice lost the little boy she was carrying. It astounded him to this day how much it pained him, how much he cried. He loved Alicia and her sister with all the love a father could have, but he missed his son more than words could express.

“ _God sent my brother back. Today he’s” Alicia mentioned the name of a former Olympic decathlete._

“About the only bad thing is the way my mother and Bernice’s mother made her feel. Her mother made her feel that she had to hide anything dealing with sex and that she had to ‘make up for her sin’ by being the most fastidious, most mannerly woman in the world. And Mom, until I got my PhD and started teaching, she said that Bernice had ‘ruined’ me and tried to ‘snare’ me.”

“Which is why **you** had to marry my daughter in order to get into her drawers. Sins of the father.” Joe looked at his son-in-law and laughed.

“Granddad!” Derrick couldn’t believe his ears.

“Just remember, your actions can have consequences.” Paul looked at his son. “Your grandfather’s story is particularly telling. I’m not saying to throw away those Trojans in your nightstand and take cold showers, but weigh your decision. And as for what your grandfather said, it didn’t kill me to wait.”

“Well, if you stood it,” then Derrick yawned deeply and left the sentence unfinished. “Now I **am** tired.”

“So go back to bed, son. It’s early. We won’t be going fishing until 10:00.”

“With my luck, Paddy will be up and wanting to dig for worms.”

“Take the other bed in my room,” Joe told his grandson.

“Thanks, Granddad. And thank both of you, for everything.”

The two older men watched the youngest enter the house.

“He’s a fine young man, Paul. You’ve done a good thing there.” Joe turned to face his son-in-law. “Now what’s bothering you?”

“Nothing’s bother - ”

“Don’t lie to an old man, boy.”

So Paul told Joe about his conversation with CJ last night.

“About the baby’s education, she’s right, of course. On reflection, I don’t have any problem with using Danny’s money for my child, because I would do anything for any of the children, to ensure their well-being. But this other thing, to live for eight months like a ‘kept companion’, it’s not what a man does. How can I say ‘yes’ to that?”

“Do you know how many men would jump at the chance to be there for those first wonderful months of their child’s life? To see first smiles, hear first giggles? They grow up so fast. You turn around, and they’re walking. Turn around again and they’re talking. Take this opportunity, Paul. If Bernice had been in a position to have made such an offer to me, I hope I would have had the humility and the grace to have accepted it with the same degree of love with which it was offered.”

Paul started. His father-in-law had used the same words he had said to CJ almost five years ago, when she wanted to use part of her Nobel money to facilitate Danny’s degree. If Danny hadn’t accepted, he would have died before attaining that milestone. He had told Paddy the other night that he had no idea when God would claim his body. Nothing was certain.

Danny had accepted CJ’s help; he considered Danny no less a man for accepting that help. Danny handled CJ differently than he handled her, but he did not consider himself more of a man than he considered Danny to be. If Danny could take what CJ offered in love, he could do no less.

“Thanks, Joe. I guess a man is never too old to seek the advice of his father.”


End file.
